thought

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11.2.2023 tonight i created this website to act as sort of an outlet for whatever the fuck is going on in my brain. I'm sure my friends are tired sick of listening to me go on and on and on about topics they won't even care about. quite frankly i don't think my friends really care about me anyways. most of my so called ''friends'' i haven't even spoken to more than, maybe twice, in months. then again its not like ive done much to keep up those relationships. i guess i kind of abandoned my other friends once i started hanging out downtown with my new friends. then again i haven't seen them in ages either. god i just need someone to hug me tight and tell me its okay. - jas

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12.2.2023 I haven't really been feeling too much of antyhing lately. i guess i've been pretty bummed about not seeing my friends that much and shit, but other than that i guess nothing has really been happening. nothing's really been happening at school either, of course, if we aren't counting the few tests and a bunch of dumb gossip and the usual ''emo'' comments and whatnot. anyways, next weekend i'm planning to have a cool movie night sleepover with my girlfriend. we've been together for about 2 months now. it really feels like it's been longer though. she's great, but sometimes i feel like she doesn't really understand me. it seems like she doesn't really have the ability to take things seriously most of the time. either way she's really cool and awesome and i love her a lot. when it comes to this website, i don't really know how long i'll have the motivation to keep writing here. I kind of abandoned my physical diary from last summer after a few days. i might try and find it and maybe look through it again. I mean, physical writing gets tiring you know? anyways i'm not sure what you're really supposed to write in a diary anyways. i mean for me i made this website to be kind of my personal space to dump shit about me, what i think, vents, whatever. Kind of like a public diary, although i know nobody will ever read this anyways -jas

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13.2.2023 i kind of forgot to write here yesterday. i guess im trying to make this a daily habit now. anyway, a little recap of my weekend: i spent saturday just kind of laying at home, then on sunday my dad took me and my little sister downtown, and i met some of my friends there. I saw my girlfriend too, even though we couldnt spend too much time together there. I feel a little happier than ive been lately. My friends, and especially my girlfriend, are probably my main source of serotonin. I'd consider myself an ambivert, i can't spend all of my time socializing, i'll need some alone time to kind of like, think about stuff. Though i can't be left alone with just my own thoughts for too long, or they'll start getting depressing. I'm convinced there's something wrong with me. I feel like i probably need therapy. Last summer i was in a really bad state mentally. I was depressed, barely had the motivation to get out of bed. I was at the height of my eating disorder, and i had a worsening self-harm addiction. I was mentally severly attached to a toxic person who was only encouracing my self-destructive habits. I mean, not directly, but still. I was so attached i was ready to die for him. He was my only friend who i actively spoke to at that time, and i guess i formed that attachment all because he was there for me when nobody else was. i truly felt like he was the only one who truly understood how i felt, and he was somebody i could relate to. In reality we were both just mentally fucked up teens with nobody else on our side. It's been like 5 months since then and i guess i'm still not completely over that attachment. I mean, i know he's a terrible person. I hate who he's become. But i just don't have the courage to drop him. does that mean im just as bad as he is? i hope not. You know the saying, "you are who you hang out with"? I sure as hell hope that it's not true. At least in my case. I feel like all of my friends are just kind of sucky people. I mean, they're great friends and all and they treat me well but as people?? i don't really know. Of course then there's my school friends who are just, for the most part, pretty cool. They're for the most part pretty understanding and unproblematic. Then again i barely hang out with them outside of school. Anyways, i'm actually at school right now. Specifically in finnish class. I'm supposed to be doing some assignment, but honestly i couldn't care less for whatever it is. I haven't really been focusing on whatever im supposed to be doing. -jas

i got home from school and my dad took me downtown again. i went shopping with my girlfriend. The city theatre was having a sale on their old props and clothing and stuff, and i got some really cool stuff only for 3€. anyway i feel like my world view is warping a lot. i'm losing grip on what's right and what isn't. i can feel myself becoming him. i have no idea if my state is getting better or worse. things feel painfully neutral. i hate my body so much. i wish it was just that easy to starve and lose weight. it's all too tempting though. i'd definetly label myself a stress-eater. or a comfort eater. or whatever it's called. it's just a habit for me to snack when im not doing anything else. that's definetly lead to some stomach issues and dental issues too. i probably should go to the dentist. i haven't brushed my teeth in what feels like weeks. i need to pick that habit up again. overall i feel like i've started to neglect my hygiene a lot more. it's not a good thing of me, i know. i can't help it, when i barely have the motivation to get out of bed daily.

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14.2.2023 i feel so empty but yet so full at the same time. i feel painfully neutral. nothing i feel is permanent. music is losing it's effect on me. the things that used to make me happy just don't work anymore. i want to starve. i need to be skinnier. i look like a slob of fat and it's the only fast way to get rid of it. i hate my body. i just don't look good regardless of what i wear.

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16.2.2023 life's gotten a bit different after i started replacing my sadness with anger. i mean, i'm usually not an angry person but i do get irritated quite fast. at school we had what we call ''penkkarit''. basically college students on their last day come and throw candy to the students in middle/elementary school. I grabbed a shit ton of candy and i'm still eating these hours after i got home. quite frankly these taste like shit. It's all candy i've never even seen in stores or anything. I mean, i don't blame them. going to the store to buy bags upon bags of traditional finnish candy would probably get pretty expensive. They probably just bought something cheap in bulk. Anyway, i feel like i've gotten so lucky in the accessory lottery recently. I found 2 pairs of super cheap and cool pants, bought a bag for 3 euros and then found another cool marimekko bag from my dad's closet that he said he doesn't use, so he gave it to me.

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18.2.2023 alright, so, last time i tried writing here my stuff didnt save. fucking awesome!! anyways, my girlfriend cancelled last minute, and we ended up not spending the weekend together. fuck this seriously. i can't bring myself to be mad anymore though. i mean, not at her at least. she doesn't deserve it. if anything i'm mad at myself. last summer i hurt the person i loved to death. i drove him away from me. nobody will ever love me as much as he did, and i know i will never be capable of loving anybody as much as i loved him. i know he will never forgive me and that's fine. i mean, i still beat myself up for it and i always will. rejecting him was the decicion that still haunts me every night. i loved him so much, i could only hope of ever being capable of that again. i miss him so much. more than anyone could imagine. it's unbearable. i also miss T. i'm supposed to hate him. i know, he's a fucking awful person and i should be mad at him. i guess i'm still stuck with seeing the old version of him. the one who was there for me when nobody else was. the boy who i was willing to die for. the boy who truly was just another mentally fucked up teenager dealing with the same shit. tonight i relapsed. 4 months, 19 days i was clean. the feeling of the blade scratching across my skin was truly relieving. i wish i had sharper equipment though. i'm too scared to go for razors, they freak me out. i prefer ones with a corner, or a tip of a blade. not the way as if you were slicing ham or something, with the edge of the knife. i prefer the very tip. i love the feeling of it kind of ripping through my skin. i can't go too deep with it though. it's too dull. it works though. sometimes i wonder what exactly drives me to this every time? i guess the answer is that i don't really even know. i feel like my life is becoming so bland again. there's nothing. i don't really have anyone. well i mean except for my girlfriend. and my school friends i guess. i feel like i should be more appreciative of them.

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19.2.2023 holy fuck i am so unbelievably [censored by future jas) right now. i know someone might read this so im not going to like- describe anything in detail but holy shit im so fhghiwahpdwio right now. god i wish i wasnt a fucking pathetic no rizz femcel, maybe i wouldnt still be a fucking virgin right now. or maybe im just holding myself to such a weird standard, i mean i'm only turning 15 in a few months?? i don't know man. i guess i think of myself as much older than i actually really am and then convince myself thinking like this is approppriate. i mean, i do know people my age who definetly aren't virgins anymore, but also like?? is it kind of fucked up? i mean i'm still under the legal age of consent too?? i don't know man. i suppose it's just ovulation week again. most of the time i have zero drive but ovulation week is like id be willing to jump on anyone pathetic enough to fuck me. i mean, i also know i'm not particularly attractive. my body type is literally door with a hint of pear and literally hip dips. i guess working out wouldn't do any harm. i'm lazy as hell though, so i'll just stick to blaming my genes.

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26.6.2023, so, happy birthday to me, i suppose. i'm now 15. Actually, i've been 15 for almost 2 months. But i've completely forgotten about this page and haven't updated it since march. God, i am fucking LONELY. Oh yeah, i broke up with my girlfriend. Funny story, actually. Right after a con! She didn't even fucking bother to talk to me face to face, and then her friend grilled me on their private snapchat story for breaking it off through messages. Anyway, i'm so confused right now. I'm not even sure i like women anymore. I feel so pathetic. I'm a fat, ugly loser whose only source of male attention comes from her father and that one loser online. K, he's nice, but got is he pathetic. He loves me. I'm only playing along as not to hurt him. Or maybe there is a part of me who likes him. I truly don't know. Anyway. I feel like i've lost all of my friends. Nobody wants to hang out with me, except obviously asmodeus. They're cool. They like me as well. Too bad i don't like them back. I tried to force myself to, but i can't. I'm not attracted to them in any way shape or form. I hope they're not too hurt by this, they're a really nice person. They're the only person i've hung out with in AGES. i haven't seen my school friends, or my other jkl friends. I'm so lonely. I'd do anything to experience being in a good friend group again. Hell, i'd be fine if i just even had a boyfriend. I wish i attracted better people. I don't want any of them. I want him. I still do. Or not really. He's such a jerk nowadays. But i still miss talking to him. Or the version that existed of him. I'm all he wanted, is that not enough? Am i not enough?

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18.2.2024 Happy new year, fuckers. We're barely 2 months into 2024 and so much has happened already. I lost the password to this website and haven't written in about 8 months! so much shit has happened and it feels like everything has changed since. The most notable thing is probably that i am now in a happy relationship yet again! So far we've been together for 107 days. That's 3 months, 2 weeks and 3 days. My longest relationship so far. I genuinely feel like he's the best thing that has happened to me. Aside from just him, so much else has has changed. I feel finally happy. I'm no longer friends with almost anyone i used to hang out with in 2023. Except AD. God, i love that fucker. Ever since we started hanging out, they've genuinely become one of my best and closest friends. I'm also meeting some new people, and making some more friends, finally. Everything is going great on that part.

My health is the only thing causing me trouble. For the past week, i've had these unexplainable chest pains. I've been to the doctor's at least 5 times this week. Nothing seems to be wrong with me, but i can feel it. If it was something that needed urgent care, that would've shown up on the 5 EKG:s, 4 blood tests, chest x-ray and multiple appointments i've been going to. Quite honestly, not knowing what's wrong with me is the lead cause of my anxiety. It's crazy that the doctor refuses to believe there could be anything wrong with my heart, since i'm only 15. Then again, if something was really wrong with my heart, that probably would've been seen already. I'm feeling way better now, though. The fever has subsided and i no longer puke everything i eat. Amazing!